…Of course I knew it would be hard, but I was not prepared for how long it lasted and how deeply depressed I became. I guess I was expecting to be a mess the week around her birthday and death and then 'shake it off.' So many memories leading up to the month before her birthday... where we were, what we were doing, the anxiety knowing she would be born but not be here long. I went right back to those days where I struggled spiritually and lost faith in healing and doubting that I was strong enough. Reliving this put me in a dark, sad place. Thankfully, we have an awesome support network through our church and community that came alongside us when Alice was diagnosed. All that to say... reach out to others, let them pray for you, talk about [your baby] and remember [them] with love. See a counselor (My husband and I have been going together and individually since last January and it has been a blessing to us, our marriage, and our family), give yourself grace, and do the best you can in those moments. Some days I just had to leave work and cry.

Everything we did surrounding our pregnancy and Alice journey was done in community. So preparing for her 1st birthday was something we wanted to do in community as well. We had a huge party at our house complete with a first birthday cake and 'happy birthday' song, station to make birthday cards, slideshow of pictures, food and drinks, and a butterfly craft for the kids. Our house was full and it was amazing to have that time and space to remember her and honor her short life. I will say that the next day I was hungover emotionally from everything that happened on that day... the stories, the tears, the sharing and remembering. It felt perfect in the moment, but it was a lot.”